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Tom is a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana, performing underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. She sent it to "Laughline" and won the contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one).
" Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this. We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a really good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened-the hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. The result is even worse than that the poison ivy you once had under your cast.
So I had that hose down my back; but I don't have any hair on my back, which meant the jellyfish couldn't find a way to stick there. My butt crack was not as fortunate-when I scratched what I thought was an itch, I actually ground the jellyfish into my butt.
I informed my dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he and the other 5 divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I had to abort the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops, totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my dry chamber decompression.
I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it-up my butt-before I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't relieve myself for two days because my butt-hole was swollen shut.
I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship. So, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you had just shoved a jellyfish up your butt.
Love, Tom"
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Tom is a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana, performing underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. She sent it to "Laughline" and won the contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one).
" Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this. We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a really good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened-the hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. The result is even worse than that the poison ivy you once had under your cast.
So I had that hose down my back; but I don't have any hair on my back, which meant the jellyfish couldn't find a way to stick there. My butt crack was not as fortunate-when I scratched what I thought was an itch, I actually ground the jellyfish into my butt.
I informed my dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he and the other 5 divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I had to abort the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops, totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my dry chamber decompression.
I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it-up my butt-before I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't relieve myself for two days because my butt-hole was swollen shut.
I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship. So, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you had just shoved a jellyfish up your butt.
Love, Tom"
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