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Hi Guys.
As you already might have read stuff have taken a bit of a nasty turn here.
Revalidation was going ahead nicely on most accounts. I, in my head, knew since the second I heard my back break that I was gonna have to be lucky to get out of this walking and able to go to the toilet even. I've seen it happen some times before and outcome is normally not that good even if there are these sunshine stories. You see them here now and then and I always get really happy for the persons that against all odds gets out of their wheelchairs.
However, since last week I know more or less for sure that's not gonna happen to me. I will most probably be able to walk shorter distances with sticks and a straigh leg support but then we are talking about inside an appartement and around home. For the rest "You might wanna start looking for which wheelchair you wanna buy" is the advice.
No chock here, I knew.
Left leg doesn't come back. I knew about the permanent damage I have in my spine so I have been prepaired mentally. The terrible implication of this however is that SM is off the charts for me, the last jump have been jumped so to say.
With in this meeting we had last week was the psycology staff off K7 as I suspect they always are when messages like this is delivered. They walk around and talk quite informally with everyone here all the time and apparently make up file on everyone. He knew what was gonna bother me, the other ones didn't.
"I think that the biggest problem for Fransson will be that he can't continiue with his sport rather than that he have to sit in a chair for a big part of his life"
That almost squeezed a tear from my eye, I don't like people I don't know reading me too well, especially in front of other people studying me. But he was right.
I have never thought about not walking, If I can walk short distances with sticks I can go wherever I want with a chair as support.
But:
My heart is screaming about the fact that I will not be able to compete in SM anymore. All my life has been aimed at this. I never wanted anything else. I don't think much about walking actually. Of course there is other complications with not standing up but I am already solving them one by one.
Förbannade djävla skit!
Well, this is sorrily enough just half of it anyway. Well, in the long run that is the most important but on top of that my back has given up totally on me lately and now I am confined to bed most of the days and are not allowed, or able, to train anymore. That gets to me quite fast as it keeps you busy to train.
The last couple of weeks I have started to get cramps, damn painful ones, in some muscles around the spine. In the beginning not so bad ones and they came rarely. Now they are up too sth like 200 per day and pain is something like what I think it would feel to be shot straight through the stomach and out the back, knocking out pains.
Reason seems to be that the material they built me a new piece of the spine with has come loose and directly touches the nerves. I am not used to be afraid of things, actually I'm not, but now I am. I am afraid to move, to laugh, go in a car, to say something to loudly or sudden but my big fear is sneezes. All of the above causes bad pain but sneezes you know about for 20 seconds in advance and in panic try to stop them from happening usually not succeding. I am tired now, you get that from always being afraid but also from the pain itself.
Anyway, next week my surgeon is back to work and they can take the descission to operate or not again. This means that the second operation I did after the accident maybe has to be redone. After that follows 2 weeks not eating and morphine daily etc. Very, very nasty operation but if it can get me out of this shit I gladly jump into that hole.
We will see.
Ok, enough with the complaining. I am not usually like this btw. Just a bit broken down for the moment. Only writes when I'm either down or up it seems....
I do have future plans that doesn't consern me shooting my head of even if it didn't sound like that there for a while.
I even have a couple of alternative plans so I can adapt depending on how things turn out.
If, and I am sure it will, my right leg gets back into the fight fully I will convert into Monobike. Rebuild bike to be gearshifted on the right side and rearbraked on the steer. It's a darn pity as MX was falling very well into place for me this winter and everything just started to click in november december. First race I tested out my newly gained techniques I won, two weeks later of course I was lying on my face eating grass waiting for an ambulance.
If not even monobike will work for me I will go into the handbike circuit. It is a newly found interest for me. I go 15-20km damn hard every day here, not now of course, and have really fallen for it. It's a really nice sport and I need racing in some form. I made a 2350m track around the hospital area and ride it lap after lap after lap. Complaints are coming in now and then about cut corners and speeding but people just don't understand that you have to push it some to get new laprecords, hehe.
Handbiking I would continiue with even if I would have started to walk again. Damn, that is good training. Condition is back on top and my arms and shoulders I just stand in amazement and admire after a hard round. 2h later the air have gone out of them a bit though but still they grow a bit week by week. Very Happy
For the rest people are suggesting trikes and quads and what have you but, bah, what a fuck!? If u know me badly enough to think I would get a trike it's better not to give advice. I piss on trikes, and Harleys but that everyone should do.
So, there is a plan for a life after K7, just wanna get as good as possible and get out to start and work. We are a good group here and actually even have some fun together training and on our off time but still.
Ah, and I would really wish that people stop shooting me in the stomach, it hurts.
See ya on some race or sth people...
Daniel
